Motivating People to Change
Mark 8: 31-37
May 25, 2025
It starts out so innocently with only the purest of loving intentions, but…
That’s the perspective from Mary, the mother of Jesus. Two weeks ago, our Scripture featured these lines:
“When Jesus’ family heard what he was doing, they thought he was crazy and went to get him under control”… “Jesus mother and brothers came and stood outside. Then they sent someone with a message for him to come out to them. The crowd that was sitting around Jesus told him, “Your mother and your brothers and sisters are outside and want to see you.”
I said two weeks ago: Can you imagine what Mary must be feeling right now? This is what she might say if you asked her…
“I am so worried about my son. Did you see the crowds around him? The Roman authorities are not going to ignore anyone with a following like that. I’m afraid he’ll end up like one of those radical Zealot leaders – dead before he turns forty.
And what is he teaching? It’s not what I taught him. I made sure he knew and followed every detail of our Jewish law as it related to the Sabbath. I hear he’s ignoring some of those laws and working on the Sabbath, picking grain in the fields.
This is not the son I raised. He must be going crazy.
I’ve got to do something to get that son of mine under control. I’m his mother. I know what’s best for him. I’m going to tell him exactly how he needs to change…if I can ever get his attention. He’s been avoiding me lately.”
Mary starts out so innocently with only the purest of loving intentions for Jesus, but…
You see…Mary cares about her son. She doesn’t want him hurt. She wants to motivate him to change his ways.
How do we motivate people to change? That’s the question I’d like us to ponder this morning. How do we motivate people to change?
Our Scripture reading today features another person trying to motivate Jesus to change his ways. This time it’s Peter.
It starts out so innocently for Peter with only the purest of loving intentions for Jesus, but…
Jesus is honest with his disciples. He tells them that he is travelling to Jerusalem. He acknowledges that in Jerusalem the chief priests and the teachers of the Law of Moses are likely to try to arrest him. He says that it’s even possible that they find some way to get him killed.
Peter is naturally worried for Jesus. He doesn’t want to see Jesus get killed. He takes Jesus aside and tries to motivate him to change his ways. He tells Jesus: “Stop talking like you are. You’re going to get yourself hurt and that won’t be good for anyone.”
How do we motivate people to change? That’s the question we’re pondering this morning.
This month we’ve been looking at the book by Mel Robbins entitled: The Let Them Theory. In that book she tells the story of a friend of hers.
She says, “A good friend of mine is married to a guy who needs to get healthier. Maybe you’re in the situation with someone you love too. Over the years, she’s tried everything to get her husband to take control of his health.
She’s asked, pleaded, hinted and occasionally broken down in tears about it in front of him. It worries her…a lot!
She’s gotten angry with him and made passive aggressive comments. She’s signed him up for gym memberships. She’s bought him new sneakers. She’s cooked the healthy dinners. And even got them a Peloton to work out at home.
Nothing’s worked. At this point, everything makes her mad. Whether it’s his order off the menu, his resistance to working out, his post-dinner desserts, or the hours he spends watching television every night.
She’s mad he won’t change. He’s annoyed that she won’t stop nagging him.”
It starts out so innocently for her with only the purest of loving intentions for her husband, but…
We’ve all been there haven’t we? We’ve been the one wanting to help someone change because we love them. We’ve also probably been the one that someone else was trying to change because they loved us.
How do we motivate our loved ones to change?
Mel Robbins in her book, “The Let Them Theory” says this:
“One of the most common questions that has been asked over the years is: ‘How do I motivate someone else to change?’
The answer is simply this: You can’t.
The reality is, people only change when they feel like changing. It doesn’t matter how much you want someone to change. It doesn’t matter how valid your reasons are. Or that you are right in your opinion that they should change. Or how big the consequences are if they don’t change. If someone doesn’t feel like changing, they won’t.
And worse, when you pressure someone to change it just creates more tension, resentment, and distance in your relationships….
Here’s the truth: When you push someone, it only makes the person push back. You’re working against the fundamental law of human nature. People need to feel in control of their decisions. You want people in your life to change, but pressuring them creates resistance to it.
You may be acting with the best of intentions, but it is yielding the worst result. That’s because every time you fight against human nature you will lose. People need to feel in control of their decisions.”
That’s what mother Mary was trying to do with Jesus. She was trying to control Jesus.
That’s what the disciple Peter was trying to do with Jesus. He was trying to control Jesus.
That’s what the lady was trying to do with her husband. She was trying to control him.
And all three pushed back without changing…
So how do we motivate someone to change?
The first thing that Mel Robbins says is the two words she uses throughout her book. Anyone remember the two words?
She says, “The most loving thing you can do is to stop pressuring them and… what two words? …. Let them….
Acceptance of another person, as they are, is the foundation of a healthy and loving relationship. When someone feels that you accept them as they are, they feel safe with you…
When you let them be, you are accepting them for who they are right now. Let them be on their own timeline. Let them feel the consequences of their inaction. Let them live their life.”
This is what eventually happens in our two Scripture stories. Mary eventually lets Jesus go to do the amazing work and teaching he did. Peter eventually lets Jesus go to Jerusalem where Jesus is crucified. But Mary and Peter are both there, in Jerusalem, with Jesus. They both practiced Let Them.
Mel Robbins had three other suggestions for those who want to motivate someone to change.
One way is to model the behavior change that we want to see and walk the talk we’ve been asking. We model the change and make it look fun and easy. It’s the subtle power of influence.
The second way is to be patient. People don’t change overnight. It usually takes a long time for significant change to happen.
The third way to motivate someone to change is to carefully celebrate and affirm any progress you see. We have to do this cautiously so as not to use our affirmation as a tool of control or subtle manipulation. But positive attention can be often be a good motivator.
It all starts and needs to be surrounded by the philosophy: Let them. Let them have the control.
As I think about this approach to motivating people to change, I think about God. How does God motivate us to change?
I don’t believe in a God who is in control or who tries to control us. God practices, “Let them”. God gives us free will and lets us live our lives.
But God also models what God would like for us to be doing. The best example of that model is Jesus. The human historical Jesus modeled caring for the marginalized and living in a loving community. The divine Jesus Christ models for us love and sacrifice, peace and strength.
Our Scripture today talks about the cross: the cross that Jesus died on and the cross we are to carry. The cross becomes that model for what it means to be willing to love others even at the price of one’s own life.
God models for us in every way: love.
But God doesn’t control us.
Instead, God practices those two words from Mel Robbins which are:
Let them.
